Beesotted contributor, Nemone Sariman, shares her thoughts on Brentford’s new ‘Golden Brown, Texture’s Like Nylon’ away kit.
Where were you when you first heard the news? No, not JFK. Not Princess Diana. Not even Thomas Frank leaving. I’m talking about the announcement that Brentford have a brown away kit. YES, AGAIN.
I was on holiday in the Outer Hebrides, in a cottage overlooking the bay, when I clicked into my social media and saw the unholy vision of our burnt umber attire. And I screamed. I actually shouted, “Nooooo!”, much to the alarm of the husband, who was still in bed. When I told him what was wrong, he questioned whether a scream was really necessary for such a thing as a football kit notification. Then, when he saw the shirt, he shook his head and said, “Oh dear.”
It’s only been [checks notes] seven years since our last brown kit. Given that there are forty-four teams in both the Premier League and the Championship (I shall include the Championship since that’s where we were during the heady Days of the Jaffa), I had hoped that brown would do the rounds among a few more clubs before eventually landing back on our shores many years later (or not at all). I know that that’s not how it works, but let’s just pretend for a moment. Surely it can’t be our turn again? ALREADY?
Tragically, I had originally drafted an article intending to complain about the pink keeper’s kit, consoling myself with the fact that at least it wasn’t brown.
And, now, here we are.
My issue with brown isn’t just that it’s the colour of poo (although clearly that doesn’t help). Whilst, with the Jaffa Cake kit, I really didn’t understand their intentions at all, I can kind of see what they’ve tried to do this year: brown is an “in” colour and will, no doubt, appeal to the young ’uns and influencers who are all wearing it, and the shirt has a metallic sheen rather than being just plain, dull brown. But bronze is the colour of third place; many happily accept this, but it’s nobody’s objective. Only one metallic hue is truly synonymous with winning, and it also happens to be the colour of honey and bees … so shouldn’t we have had gold in mind? (Even if it did make us look like Wolves?)
To me, this is the sort of shirt that my dad wore to barbecues in the 1970s. And, if a middle-aged, QPR-supporting chartered accountant is our style muse, then we really have lost our way.
Suddenly the new home kit doesn’t seem so bad.
From a distance it’s inoffensive enough. I rather like the stripes on the collar and sleeves, and we needed something which would look distinctively ours on both players and fans, unlike last season’s shirt which I liked — I’m all for a bit of ombré — but the black hem poking out from under a hoodie made us look like Newcastle fans from the back.
However, it’s supposed to be commemorating a hundred years of stripes, so I had hoped for a more imaginative and memorable stripy celebration à la Crystal Palace’s shirt last season, or Bournemouth’s three seasons ago. And those black squares on the front are highly bothersome to me. Since my friend Andy described the neckline as a “Fulham scarf”, I haven’t been able to unsee it.
Anyway, onto my critique of other clubs’ kits — even though we, in the most transparent and fragile of glass houses, are in no position to be throwing stones:
The good:
Burnley home — for a team who are known for claret and blue, it was a brave move to almost entirely do away with the blue and to make the claret the hero. It’s beautiful. And it doesn’t look like a West Ham or an Aston Villa kit.
Manchester City home — it must be tough to consistently create winning ways with pale blue, but the whisper of a white beauty queen sash makes this rather stylish.
Newcastle home — Newcastle aren’t known for their creative home shirts, but the zigzag edges of their stripes give this an interesting point of difference whilst remaining clearly Newcastle. Just as well, since their third shirt is an absolute eyesore.
Spurs away — they were onto a winner with plain black anyway as it’s hard to make a dark kit look truly awful (although we’ve certainly tried). This is dramatic, stylish and quite the statement in its simplicity.
The bad:
Everton away — a weird collar, and insipid, pale butter-yellow. Are they going to play football, or to watch Henry and Giles in a charity polo match?
Newcastle third — French navy AND orange AND turquoise AND a black club logo AND the yellow arm sticker? Too many colours, too much going on, makes me itch just looking at it.
The meh:
Arsenal home — yawn. Not ANOTHER red tabard with Adidas shoulder stripes? One day they will surprise us with something unique. Today is not that day.
Bournemouth home — the Cherries rarely get it wrong, and they’re blessed with an almost-always-winning combination of red and black. Their fat stripes with skinny stripes are not unpleasant, but this doesn’t hit the heights of their absolute cracker from 2022/23.
Crystal Palace home — ESPN criticised their last two home shirts for being too daring, but that’s exactly what I liked about them. And, regretfully, the once-innovative kit designer has veered away from “daring” and pared right down for the 2025/26 shirt. This retro-inspired number could just as easily have been from 1987 as from 2025, which, it seems, was their aim, but it doesn’t excite me.
There’s not much more to say, really, other than to steel myself for the inevitable chants of, “You’re shit, and you look like it” and hope that a brown away kit will be the worst thing about our 25/26 season. We surely HAVE to outperform our appearance, non? Come on, you Bees!
Nemone Sariman
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