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Beesotted’s undercover reporter, Steve Chenille, has unearthed a secret, leaked, document that reveals the full extent of the task facing Brentford in their battle to stay in the Premier League. According to Chenille, the document was circulated to all refs ahead of their first Brentford games.

Titled ‘Updated advice to match officials in advance of officiating Bus Stop in Hounslow upstarts’, it gives a 12-point plan on how to handle the Premier League new boys. The document has, apparently, the unanimous backing of all senior match officials desperate to remain ‘best mates’ with the established Premier League stars. The advice lays bare the deep-rooted levels of unconscious bias that exist among the top flight’s so called elite officials.

Here’s a snapshot of the new edict…

Remember who your friends are: Any players who have attracted transfer fees in excess of £30 million are beyond reproach and should be treated as your friends.

No Brentford players fall into this category and as such can have even the most cast-iron appeals for infringements waved away with impunity.

Match of the Day’s panel are complicit with this approach and have pledged never to question or raise awareness of decisions you make against the newcomers on either MotD 1 or 2.

Don’t worry about your incompetence being spotlighted by the pundits… they are inside with this approach.

Exiting the field of play: Any Brentford player substituted when their side is winning should be ushered off at close quarters to maximise playing time, especially if the match involves a top six side. 

You can resort to physically hurrying them along if they still refuse to leave quickly.

This does not apply for any established Premier League side, whose players should be afforded two to three minutes to depart the playing area.

Congratulations to Jon Moss who turned away and pretended he was checking something else as Ronaldo (see Remember who your mates are) trudged off.

American football rules: Running aggressively headlong into Brentford’s strikers as you feign to clear the ball is fine. If contact is made with the smaller club’s strikers be sure to issue yellow cards for obstruction. This will incense the Brentford fans further.

Time wasting: Further to the previous guidance, always ensure that any visiting goalkeeper attending the Brentford Community Stadium is given the maximum possible time to take goal kicks etc. 

Feel free to issue a yellow card for the initial offence but obviously this cannot be followed with a second if the offender continues to run down the clock. 

No referee has ever sent a goalkeeper off for timewasting with two yellows. Do you want to be the first?

Tip: Apply the Moss technique and turn your back – what you don’t see can’t be punished.

Goal celebrations: Any side that scores against Brentford should be given three to four minutes to congregate in the corner. No attempt should be made to hurry them back for the kick off. 

Stop press: Peter Bankes gave a masterclass in how this should operate during the recent Brentford v Wolves game, actually running to the dugouts not once but twice as the visitors held a tea party in front of their fans.

Ignore your assistants: Tell them before the game not to flag unless they are absolutely certain an infringement has taken place, unless it’s by a Brentford player. They are your puppets and it’s always wise to err on the side of the established Premier League side (see Remember who your friends are). This also applies to balls out of play which although usually not critical do infuriate the home fans, which should always be your aim.

Never ever check your equipment: Although we are known as Professional Game Match Officials Limited, it is acceptable for any level of expertise to be abandoned on entering the Brentford Community Stadium with regards the home side. 

Don’t bother checking your microphone and hearing kit before entering the field of play. Consider this level of amateurism your target during any games involving Brentford.

The louder they squeal: If a recognised Premier League player screams even if minimal contact has been exerted by a Brentford player, it is a free kick or penalty. In fact, the louder they scream, the broader the options open to you for reaching for a yellow or even red card. 

Headers: A new addition to the rule book this season. If a Brentford player jumps for a header and the opposition player doesn’t but nudges them in mid-air forcing them off balance, consider a free kick against Brentford. 

Time added on: Clearly this is at your discretion but the golden rule is if Brentford are winning, keep it to a minimum. The opposite applies if they are not.

Outside incidents such as long delays for treatment or drone incidents as seen recently at the BCS should be considered for extra time, but as a rule of thumb take the actual length of time (10 mins for treatment and 19 for drone) but only add one of the two. No one will notice until it’s too late.

Injuries: Any opposition player suddenly dropping to the floor should have their ‘injury’ treated as potentially career ending. Always assume it’s genuine if it’s an established Premier League player – they will thank you for it later – even if you know there was no contact. (also see time wasting) 

Advantage: Never allow this for the new boys. As Peter Bankes showed perfectly, it’s better to give a rash red card and halt a Brentford attack than allow them to go on and score. You can always depend on your colleagues in the VAR room, safe in the knowledge that they too will have read this missive and back you up.

VAR: To be used sparingly for the Hounslow side. Allow their supporters to think it’s fair by using it to disallow a meaningless goal at a time when it’s immaterial. NEVER refer anything to VAR that could benefit Brentford. That is not what the system is for. 

It is there only when you, as the most important person on the pitch, wants to stress that you too are human and fallible (even though you must never think you are).

Be confident… always: Arrogance is part of the job description. Adopt a swagger, always give the demeanour of being in total control and remember… the fans have come to watch you.

Even though you might be overweight (Jon Moss), incompetent (Peter Bankes) or robotic and distant (Andre Marriner), you are amazing and have the power to change results. Don’t waste it.

Intimidation: Never allow yourself to be intimidated… by Brentford players. Only grant that privilege to established stars you are looking to impress or keep in with. It’s always wise to have a friendly jokey chat with them when the ball is dead. It will make your life easier and help you feel like they are your best mates.

These rules may change if Christian Eriksen joins Brentford, but he is one player. The rest can only be treated fairly and evenly once they have been in the Premier League for three seasons.

RESPECT: The RESPECT campaign is a shield all match officials can hide behind. It might need to be earned in other walks of life and professions, but not with us. We are Premier League referees and untouchable.

Steve Chenille