I-Spy: Premier League Special

With the new football season just a Mads Bech Sorensen throw away, Beesotted’s Jon Restall @thecondorman brings all keen I-Spyers up to date with some new and exciting things to look out for:

Off the Pitch

Ticket Requests

Now that tickets are scarce it’s amazing how many people will get back in touch with you despite previously showing no interest in attending Brentford matches.  Score two points for each of the following:

● Requester hasn’t previously contacted you for over ten years

● Requester is an ex-colleague that you cannot actually remember and have had to google

● Requested used to live next door to you and regularly shouted “wanker” at you over the fence 

● Message contains at least one sob story element (“special birthday”, “unwell relative”, etc)

● Requester spells your name incorrectly

● Requester promises not to celebrate even if the opponent (who they just happen to support) scores a goal

● Requester is so oblivious to the fact that the game will be largely sold out that they ask for 6+ tickets

Rubbish Merchandise

Rubbish merchandise is likely to be on sale not just in the streets outside the ground but also freely available online. Score two points each if:

● The item is highly flammable

● The club logo is, in fact, one that the vendor has designed themselves

● The club nickname has also been made up e.g. “The Nyloners” or “Franky’s Barmy Army” 

Additionally score one point for each of these Brentford branded items purchased: 

● Rain Poncho

● Patio Umbrella

● Lampshade

● Toilet Cover and Rug Set

● Giant Bee Garden Ornament

● Sexy Nurses Outfit (unisex) 

● Luxury Caravan 

Angry Opposition Fans on Social Media

Promotion to the Premier League means even greater access to trolls and/or people who hide behind their computers whilst releasing significant sexual frustration via the medium of football-related bile.  Many will have been pleased that Brentford were promoted – but won’t be able to fathom the fact that we’ve had the audacity to beat or draw with their own team 

● Score one point every time someone uses the phrase “teams like Brentford”

● Score two points for every opposition fan who demands their manager is sacked immediately

● Score five points for every angry opposition fan who threatens to rip up their season ticket despite either a) not owning one of b) remembering that it’s a plastic card these days and therefore very hard to actually rip up

Enhanced media coverage

Brentford will now appear on Match of the Day every weekend and with the Premier League schedule regularly buggered about due to live TV coverage, we might well get extended coverage every week, rather than the 700 games that Quest had to cram into their show every Saturday night. This means more chances to see yourself on the telly in glorious technicolour:

● Score one point if you are caught picking your nose

● Lose one point if you are caught picking your backside 

● Lose one point if you are caught texting your partner to let them know where you left the car keys 

● Score three points if you don’t actually notice the camera despite significant nudging from the person in the next seat who has also started jumping around excitedly like they’ve just been called from the audience of The Price is Right

● Score two points if you accidentally throw scalding Bovril over a neighbouring supporter.  Lose two points if you did it on purpose. 

● Score two points if you are wearing a funny hat 

● Score three points if you are dressed as a nun, unless you are a nun when you only get one point 

● Lose five points if you are wearing a half and half scarf 

● Lose ten points if you are topless and have written a message for the nation in lipstick across your bare chest 

On the Pitch

New Signings

Likely to be significantly better than the signings of yesteryear. Score one point for each of the below:

● New signing able to trap a football without it hitting someone else in the face

● Pre-match shots hit the back of the net and don’t dribble wide or stop short of the goal-line

● They manage fifteen keepy-ups without celebrating after successfully completing four

● Haircut  doesn’t look like they’ve done it themselves with a kit from Superdrug

● You see their name on the back of a brand new replica shirt worn by a five year old child – standing next to a proud but now skint looking parent with an empty wallet and tears in their eyes 

● You’ve never shouted at them to “retire” or “diet” whilst playing for their previous team

Falling Over

As all supporters know, the higher the level of football reached, the better the standard of falling over from opposition players.  The Premier League should produce some real artistry in this area:

● Score one point for every theatrical roll following an innocuous foul

● Score a bonus five points if the rolling covers a distance of over twenty metres

● Score one point for every imaginary yellow card shown mid-roll by the rolling player

● Lose one point for every player who turns out to be perfectly OK once the opponent has been booked or sent off

● Lose five points for every player that you are still chanting “cheat” at as they are stretchered off the pitch and immediately substituted 

VAR

One of the joys of joining the Premier League is access to VAR, a system designed to remove contentious decisions from football which has actually managed to introduce new contentious decisions to football instead:

● Score ten points for any VAR decision made correctly and within ten seconds of the referee doing the TV screen signal from the game of charades

● Lose two points, and the will to live, for any goal disallowed after 60 seconds of the video referee drawing tiny  lines repeatedly on a screen whilst silently weeing in their own pants

● Score five points for every on-pitch referee who does a funny march to watch the incident on the pitchside monitor themselves 

● Score an extra five points if they fall over whilst marching 

● Score ten points if they accidentally turn the screen off completely whilst trying to work the video controls 

Jon Restall
@thecondorman