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Beesotted catch up with football’s least factually accurate football pundit on loan transfer day for his take on today’s comings and goings at Griffin Park and in League One:

“Wanna know why Arsenal have recalled Chuba Akpom from Coventry? It’s because he is allergic to the colour “sky blue” – he had a bad experience as a a child when he was stung by a wasp at a family picnic on a lovely spring’s day and he’s now terrified by anything other than a miserable grey skyline.  He left Brentford when he saw Harlee Dean parading around the changing room in a pair of turquoise tanga briefs”

“I’ve got the inside track on Leyton Orient keeper Wotsisname Jakupovic and why he has gone back to Hull. Apparently he watched Hull beating Sunderland 3-0 in the FA cup quarter finals and celebrated why like they had actually won the cup final rather than just a qualifying game. Didn’t go down well with Russell Slade apparently and his days have been numbered ever since.”

“You know Toumani Diagouraga, yeah? Or “Big Dave” as I call him. He’s not been recalled by Mark Warburton to add steel to our midfield, but because the club shop were losing a fortune from not having his name ironed on to replica shirts. At 30p per letter they lost £1.20 every time someone opted for Jake Reeves instead. Would have needed to rattle the buckets outside Ealing Road again before the end of the season”

“David Weir tried to get Conor McAleny back on loan from Everton after his injury problems but he’s been offered evening work at the JD Sport in the St John’s Precinct in Liverpool. Apparently he really likes the adidas trainers he gets to wear as part of his uniform and there’s a fit bird who works in the womenswear section”

“The bloke at the bookies told me that Brentford have tried to line-up a transfer for Will Grigg’s lucky stick-on beard. Apparently he rattles them in from all angles in training when he’s not wearing it but it was a present from his nan so he feels he has to wear it on match days. His team-mates call him “Nosmas” apparently, which is Samson in reverse”

“That young Manny Oyeleke bloke has gone back to Aldershot on loan after Andy Scott promised not to shout at him again for passing to a team-mate. Scotty originally sent him back to Brentford in disgrace in January when he had the audacity to do five keepy-uppies in training”

 

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