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Whether subliminally, or by using methods that are about as subtle as a brick, the advertising industry continues its attempt to stay one step ahead of the game, trying new ways to preach their sales message to a public who, by and large, wish ad men would naff right off and leave them alone. Dave Lane looks at the new trend of smutty ads in the bogs at football.

From the daily junk mail avalanche that is poured through your letterboxes, through to the infuriating Payment Protection Insurance claim text messages that are buzzed to your mobile morning noon and in the middle of the bleedin’ night; those stroke-inducing radio ads screaming ‘they buy any car’ over the worst hardcore-house durge you’ve ever heard, or ‘Pay-Day-Loans’ robbing the desperate with APR rates that a loan shark would be embarrassed to charge – advertising becomes more obnoxious by the week. Jeez… you can’t even take a pee at Griffin Park these days without somebody trying to flog you something you don’t want using knob/football-related innuendo of one sort or another. You know the sort of thing…

“I bet you wish you could 

BEND THAT like Beckham… 

Netflix film rental” 

“That’s the best TACKLE I’ve seen all afternoon… 

Eat Pukka Pies” 

“Don’t TOSS YOURSELF OFF 

a cliff by mistake… 

Should have gone to Specsavers” 

“You’re a better DRIBBLER 

than Georgie Best 

Lodge Brothers Funeral Directors” 

“I bet our turkeys taste better than your old TWIZZLER 

Bernard Mathews meats”

 

There were even adverts for a previously mysterious product called TenaMan pads, which, apparently, solve a problem that (according to my mates back in the pub after the Carlisle match) nobody was aware existed. However, after a Google search later that evening, and judging by the smell of one or two of the lads, this is clearly something a few should consider after the fifth pint of Pride.

So where will it all end? Please don’t tell me it’ll be with some God-awful naming rights the New Griffin Park (for it better be called that otherwise I won’t go – I’ll tell you that for nothing right now!). Now that really would be too much to take.

Dave Lane