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Beesotted’s Chairman of the PTA Condorman gives his annual school report:

So who would have thought, after the last couple of sensational seasons, that the pupils of Brentford Footballing Academy could produce another thrilling year which saw us overtake a number of failing larger schools in the league table whilst producing a standard of work which was a joy to observe.

It’s a shame that the headmaster Mr Warburton will be departing (rumours are that he might find another, less pleasant, local school to manage) but he can look back on his reign with pride at the way a number of the class of 2015 have performed.

Pupil by pupil reports are as follows:

David Button.  A pupil who has improved immeasurably over the past year, he has often been a key performer in the class, especially on field trips. Does occasionally drop his pencil-case in slightly embarrassing fashion at inopportune moments, but his levels of performance are rumoured to have received admiring glances from other schools

Jake Bidwell. A solid performer who works very hard and rarely lets himself or his class-mates down. Has, at times, stayed behind after class to improve his weaker subjects and deserves praise for his attitude towards his studies

Moses Odubajo. Moses ended the year in a different seat to the one originally sat in, and his overall performances have been startling.  Likes to rampage towards the front of class at regular intervals but still manages to finish his more boring work to a very high standard.  Was rewarded during the spring term with a call up to represent the English schools where he performed well.

 James Tarkowski. A bigger boy who has undoubted ability but can occasionally get a bit tongue tied when asked a difficult question. Will continue to improve and looks set to be a star pupil for a number of years to come although he may need to sit next to someone else in the future if we wish to see the very best of him.

Harlee Dean.  Harlee is one of the more loud and aggressive boys in class and can sometimes be the victim of a slapstick prank in front of pupils from opposing schools. However he always knuckles back down in class and you can tell that he really cares about his schoolwork.  Has produced some high quality work which doesn’t always get the praise it deserves.

Tony Craig. A mature pupil who works hard and rarely lets anyone down.  Hasn’t really featured in lessons over the last few months after losing a few running races in quick succession, but is reliable when called upon. Occasionally teased for having two first names.

Alan McCormack. Alan picked up a nasty injury during a lesson at the start of term and returned to school to find Moses sitting in his seat with no intention of moving. Has occasionally sat elsewhere in class since, but not made a massive impact during lessons. Still a popular pupil though.

Jonathan Douglas.  “Dougie” was a key performer in the first half of the season where his grades often excelled those of his classmates. Some of his best work often goes unnoticed; however he has looked slightly tired in class over the past few weeks and could be one who moves to another school over the summer. Has a very attractive girlfriend but could do with smartening his appearance.

Toumani Diagouraga. After a couple of years of underperformance, Toumani has raced to the top of the class this year after performing with distinction over recent months.  He has amazed many with his work-rate and ability and become a very popular member of the Brentford academy, although his shooting is still graded as an F.

Alex Pritchard. A small but bouncy little blonde lad who joined us for a year from Tottenham High School.  Has sublime ability and has refused to be bullied by bigger pupils from opposing schools. The teachers would love him to return next year but we suspect that he will further his education back in Tottenham

Jota.  A Spanish pupil who, after a slightly slow first month or so, has shown his true abilities to his classmates with a number of staggeringly good displays. Can often inspire an entire class with one moment of magic. Regularly produces his very best work in the very last minute of lessons.  His hair sometimes falls below collar length.

Stuart Dallas. An Irish pupil who had previously been taught in a small barn, Stuart has continued to improve over the past twelve months. Wrote himself into Brentford folklore by unleashing a couple of rockets when visiting the Craven Cottage School for Toffs, sending Tarquin and Bartholomew home in tears.

Alan Judge. The PTA were delighted when Alan joined the Brentford Academy on a full time basis after an exchange trip from Blackburn last year. A nasty injury after Christmas slighty spoilt his overall grade, but his performances have generally been exceptional. Likes to buzz around the classroom causing havoc and is very good at getting his classmates to contribute.

Jon Toral. A Spanish foreign exchange student, Jon has brightened up the odd lesson but on reflection has really only produced his best work against struggling schools. Has ability but will perhaps shine brighter elsewhere in the future.

Andre Gray. Andre joined the Brentford Academy having had a very poor standard of formal education previously but has performed absolute heroics in his first year despite sitting at the front of the class on his own with little or no company.  This arguably affected his confidence towards the end of term but he can be proud of his work – we would have struggled without his presence.

Tommy Smith. An older pupil who appears to have a problem with punctuality as he only seems to enter the classroom with about 20 minutes of the lesson remaining.  He does, however, turn up for each and every lesson, even when you are sometimes expecting another pupil to arrive. Has used his experience well at times but one suspects he will be at another school next year.

Nick Proschwitz. An exceptionally tall and ungainly student who could be a bit hazardous to the pupils around him and often appeared to be in a completely different lesson to everyone else.  Went on a field trip to Coventry and didn’t return which generally improved levels of calm in the classroom.

Chris Long. A young student from the Everton High School, Chris produced some excellent work but regularly played truant, sometimes going for a kick about with the juniors instead of school. Occasionally marked absent due to a mysterious stomach complaint.

Other pupils:

Sam Saunders – Nice tan. Injured, returned brightly, about to go on a trip to Wembley with a school from Wycombe
Jack Bonham – no longer the class clown, looks to have worked hard to improve his grades
Scott Hogan – nasty injury has held back his education. Andre Gray seemed to miss his company
Lewis McLeod –Allegedly very talented but fell over a twig on a nature trip
Richard Lee – set up a tuck shop in Fulham selling coffee during last term
Liam Moore – failed to settle, barged into fellow pupils regularly
Marcus Tebar – looked promising, disappeared without a trace. May return next year though
Kevin O’Connor – looked suddenly very old on a bizarre field trip to Dagenham
Betinho –seemed a bit confused in his first lesson and hasn’t been seen since