Beesotted’s Condorman hands out the I-SPY winter points… How many of the follow have you spotted on a match-day?

IN THE PUB… PEOPLE WHO AREN’T GOING TO THE MATCH

Whilst most pubs around Brentford are filled with Bees supporters prior to the game, there will be some other punters who are in the pub for other reasons. Score five points each for spotting:

  • Man in trendy specs and skinny jeans ordering three different flavours of bottled cider
  • Drunken Irish gentleman sitting at the bar in full suit. Score an extra point for every word you understand when he tries to speak to you
  • Rugby “fan” wearing a rugby shirt who has never been to a rugby ground
  • Hassled mum who has brought her three year old in, despite her better judgement, because they need a wee. And then a fruit shoot. And some crisps.
  •  Man selling pirated DVDs filmed from the back of a cinema

AT THE GAME… FIREWORKS
If you are incredibly lucky at the match you will find yourself next to a spotty youth who decides to light a flare after Brentford win a throw-in on the half-way line. Score points for:

  • Coughing so much that you are sick down your front (two points)
  • Your clothing catching fire (two points per item, bonus point for man-made fabrics)
  • Being arrested when the stewards arrive because spotty youth and his friends have put the flare in your pocket and are all pointing at you (ten points)

GOAL CELEBRATIONS
Footballers have a lot of free time during the week after training. Some use this time to go to Nandos in Westfield. Some like to challenge teenage boys from around the globe to a game of Mario Kart. Others prefer instead to practice goal celebrations in front of the mirror in the unlikely event that they score at the weekend.  Score points for:

  •  Running 50 metres to hug the manager who has secretly already agreed to loan them to a League Two side the following week (10 points)
  • Goading the opposition fans by performing an elaborate finger to mouth “shhhh” gesture despite the fact that the opposition 
  • fans have absolutely no idea who they are (5 points)
  • Fully choreographed dance routine to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” (10 points)
  • Fully choreographed dance routine to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” whilst not noticing that the goal has been ruled out for offside (30 points)

SUBSTITUTES
Some players are a bit annoyed to be on the bench, others are just delighted to make the first team squad, some won’t have an opinion either way without first speaking to their agent. See if you can spot any of the following:

  • Moroccan gentleman looking like they really want to come on to the pitch and play. Often starts warming up in the very first minute directly in front of the manager (3 points)
  • Suntanned midfielder who performs elongated and elaborate warm up routine as close as possible to the loudest section of supporters until they eventually spot him and sing his song (3 points)
  • Out of favour striker. This player will generally either be a bit plump or have a beard. Each game that they do not play, their girth or their beard will grow a bit. (3 points each, 2 bonus points if they are both plump and bearded)
  • The game is now 75 minutes old. Is the Moroccan gentleman still warming up? (10 points)

This article was taken from Issue 103 of the fanzine which is available via e-bay by clicking here.

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